File:Book group discussion, 26 September 2017.docx

• They May Not Mean To, But They Do* by Cathleen Schine

Notes by Leslie Carlin and Victoria Young-Cherin

At today’s AgeWELL book club, we discussed Cathleen Schine’s novel, *They May Not Mean To, But They Do.* The title comes from a poem by Philip Larkin called ‘This Be the Verse’, whose opening lines are “They fuck you up, your mum and dad/ They may not mean to, but they do” (https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse) . The novel is an intergenerational story of ageing parents, middle-aged offspring, and grand/children, set in New York City and Los Angeles, told from several points of view. The author has a knack for showing the ‘landscape’ of ageing from the various characters’ perspectives, and doing so seamlessly.

Such a description makes the book sound portentous, worthy, and slow, but it became clear during our discussion that Schine had made all of us laugh, frequently, throughout the novel. “It really makes you open your eyes,” said one participant; it makes you realize the importance of honesty and communication as family members grow up and grow old (which is always, really). In the book there are two older men, Aaron and Duncan, each with cognitive issues, Aaron deteriorating more quickly than the other. Aaron has stayed in his Manhattan apartment, with his wife and a rota of caregivers. The story explores the impact of care giving on the relationship between husband and wife, between children and parents, and on family financial decisions, and subtly contrasts it with the alternative situation in which Duncan moves into assisted-living. Each man and each family seem to prefer their own choice. In our discussion, One member, Carole, said, “You have to ask the question,” because you don’t know what people want. “Sometimes even they don’t know what they want.” Another, Vicky, commented that the book nicely demonstrates the difference of opinions, concerns, desires, and motivations between caregivers and care recipients, which highlights the importance of including end-users in conversations when developing new technologies, processes, services, etc. (e.g., human-centered and inclusive design). The example in the book that prompted this comment had to do with something really simple: how leftovers are stored in the fridge, balancing food safety with accessibility. Carol said, “There’s no one right way,” a conclusion that applies to decisions both bigger and smaller than snap-on plastic lids. We talked about the important relationship not just between the parents and children but also between grandparents and grandchildren, and among siblings, and how these bonds are affected by ageing.

Philip Larkin wrote another poem, specifically about ageing, called ‘The Old Fools:’

That is where they live: Not here and now, but where all happened once. This is why they give An air of baffled absence, trying to be there Yet being here. For the rooms grow farther, leaving Incompetent cold, the constant wear and tear Of taken breath, and them crouching below Extinction’s alp, the old fools, never perceiving How near it is.

With respect to the idea of ‘extinction’s alp’ in Larkin’s poem, we talked about how Schine lets her different characters express the changing landscapes of life that accompany ageing—not just getting older, but accumulating experience (wisdom?), and coping with both distance and proximity differently. One of us commented that solutions to problems in this novel seem to hinge on a blend of communication (not always easy to achieve) and respect amongst the generations.